Not a very grand job

197 bull 218648“Would you like to try some of our new stewed steak, sir?”

“Doesn’t look like steak.”

“I can assure you it is sir. Here, I have the tin.”

“It’s dog food.”

“We don’t sell dog food, sir. As you can see it says-”

“It would say that.”

“And we only sell quality-”

“Does this look like quality?”

“It looks… erm… very nice, sir.”

“Is that fork clean?”

“Yes, sir. New fork for every customer.”

“Is it metal?”

“No, sir. It’s wooden.”

“Wooden? Like fish and chips wooden fork?”

“Yes, sir. Exactly like that.”

“I don’t like fish and chips.”

“That’s a shame sir, they’re very popular in our restaurant.”

“You have a restaurant here?”

“We do sir, just by the cashiers.”

“The checkouts?”

“Yes… the erm, checkouts.”

“I thought that was a café.”

“Some might say so, yes. Now, would sir like to try-?”

“I’ve never trusted those wooden spoons. Don’t want splinters in my gob, do I?”

“Gob, sir? Oh. No, I don’t suppose you would.”

“Not a very grand job is it?”

“What’s that, sir?”

“Dishing out pieces of stewed steak to any Tom, Dick or Harvey what walks by.”

“I think you’ll find it’s Harry.”

“Who’s Harry?”

“Tom, Dick or… never mind. Stewed steak?”

“What about it?”

“Would you like some?”


“Would you like some, sir.”

“Not with a wooden fork. I might splinter me-”

“Yes, of course. I shall ask one of my colleagues to see if they can find you a plastic one, how about that?”

“Not a metal one?”

“Unlikely… sir.”

“I suppose it’ll do.”

“Ah, Joyce. Would you mind seeing if you can obtain a plastic fork for this gentleman to try some of this… thank you. That’s ever so kind. Now, sir, whilst my colleague-”

“She has a name.”

“Yes, of course. Whilst Joyce fetches you a fork, would you like to continue your shopping and-”

“No, it’s OK. Nothing else to do.”

“Really, sir?”

“Yeah. The wife’s doing all the shopping. I only come for the caff but she’s taking her time today. Does stop and talk to anyone, she does. Can’t help it.”

“The caff?”

“Café. Restaurant. You know, by the tills.”

“The checkout. Cashiers. Yes, I do know. Ah, here’s Joyce. Thank you, Joyce. Very kind. Now, let me find a nice bit of steak for you.”

“No thanks.”

“No, sir?”

“Yeah. Don’t want any of that muck.”

“I assure you it’s-”

“High quality. Yeah, you said.”

“There’s no charge, sir. It’s a free sample.”


“May I ask why?”

“Sure you can ask.”

“Then… why sir when you asked Joyce-”

“I didn’t ask Joyce. You asked Joyce.”

“That is true. I did ask Joyce.  Then why sir, when I asked Joyce-”

“Don’t want none.”

“’Any’, I believe you meant to say. I don’t quite understand why you changed your mind.”

“Didn’t never say I wanted any.”

“Oh, but… but why-”

“Coz I’m a vegetarian, that’s why. Derr…”


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